Still smiling!

A lot of people--even some of my closest friends--have never heard this before. It's really hard for me to talk about. Even harder to write it down. It's not really a big deal or a big secret, just hard to talk about. I have lost a lot of people I love in the past 15 years. We ALL suffer loss-it's part of being human. But I had a really hard time with it. Within 5 years I lost my dad, my best friend, my sister,one of my best friends lost 7 (yes, 7) babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth. The 11 year old daughter of another friend passed away from complications of muscular dystrophy. My husband's friend died of a heart attack on his way home from work. Other than my dad, who died too young at the age of 63, everyone else was 45 or younger. I ignored my feelings of grief for over 5 years until I started having panic attacks and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. I guess I just felt like I was the one who had to hold it all together for everyone, but I couldn't hold it together for myself anymore. Anyhow, I got my shit together and quit feeling guilty about still being alive and went on to live a pretty normal existence. Then on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day 2004, my brother suddenly passed away at the age of 45. His body wasn't discovered for 3 days. He had an esophagitis-related hemorrage and he bled out. So now, the holidays are approaching and I'm depressed and dreading it. I am the only surviving member of my mother's family. I feel a huge responsibility to her and as much as I love her, sometimes it's really hard being the only one left for her. I have my own feelings to deal with and it's hard to deal with hers, too. I am once again feeling guilty about being alive. My dad's gone, my sister's gone and now my baby brother is gone. I can't even go to the mauseleum to bring flowers. I get so depressed when I see their 3 names there. I can't imagine what it is like for my mom to go there and see the names of her husband and 2 of her children. This is a really hard time for me. The move is saddening me, the holidays are coming and I'm missing so many people who were so dear to me. Okay, I guess I just needed to get that all out. Now I feel a little better and maybe I can get something done. I've just been paralyzed lately with this huge depression. And there is no way I want to start spiraling down that black hole again. I just can't deal with it right now. So, off I go, smiling into the sunset. Honestly, I feel better now. Please don't leave comments suggesting anti-depressents. I already take them. Just don't tell me to SNAP OUT OF IT!  It won't work. Thanks for "listening".