Chrome Plated Heart

Allrighty. It's 1 am and I can tell sleep is not gonna happen for quite a while. I have a zillion things running through my head and if I could just reach a conclusion on any of them, I might be able to fall asleep before dawn. I'm thinking of all the stuff I still have to do as far as the new condo goes. I've got lists a mile long in my mind. I had hoped that if I wrote those lists down in a notebook, I'd stop thinking about everything on them for a while. Not. So maybe if I post them here, it will work. Yeah, right. List #1, Things already done: Picked out carpet Picked out slate for entry floor, powder room floor and around fireplace Chose vinyl for laundry room Picked flooring for kitchen Argued with Appliance company and building contractor about kitchen appliances Won argument and got appliances I wanted, including a microwave that has to be shipped from God-only-knows-where. Argued with building contractor and cabinet maker about changing the door style on the cabinets. Won argument and got the style doors I wanted Found the perfect granite for the kitchen counters, only to be told it was not available. Cried over granite 'cause I don't want to pay $7500 for some other granite I don't like as well Talked to the granite guy who located some of the granite 200 miles away and agreed to have it shipped up here for my perusal List #2, Things I haven't done: Haven't found faucets for the 2 upstairs bathrooms Haven't found a faucet for the vessel sink in the downstairs bathroom Haven't found a kitchen faucet Haven't found ANY light fixtures I love Haven't found any glass mosaic tile for the kitchen backsplash Haven't ordered the new entertainment center Haven't ordered the dining room table Haven't bought the 2 extra chairs for the dining room Haven't found new speakers, etc. for the theatre system Haven't found tile, marble, limestone or anything else for the 2 upstairs bathrooms Okay, so those are the condo related things on running around in my head. Then there's the Dianna thing. Which is what the title of this post refers to. But it's not just about her, really. It's the time of year that things start to push me down. I get really, really depressed around the holidays. Nothing special about that. A lot of people do. I'd just like to get through Christmas without all the negative emotions it brings on. I miss my family desperately. Nothing special about that, either. Again, a lot of people do. But would it be too much to ask, to have the people who ARE around me to give me a little support here? I have lost so many people close to me. Thanksgiving was the anniversary of my father's death. So that always gets the holiday season off to a great start. He died on Thanksgiving day on the 24th of November. So this year Thanksgiving fell on the 24th, which made it even more poignant. My very best friend Priscilla died in 1992 at the age of 43. My sister died at the age of 45 in 1993. And my baby brother died 2 years ago at the age of 45. The last time anyone in the family saw him was on Christmas Day, and as far as we can tell, he died on New Year's Day. So now we're up to 3 holidays shot to hell. I'd like to just sleep from about the middle of November til the middle of January. But we all know that ain't gonna happen. I can't even sleep through the friggin night! Hell, I can't even GET to sleep. So I think trying to play the Rip van Winkle thing just isn't gonna work. And then there's Dianna. Again. A recap for those who never read my post about her: Dianna and I were best friends for about 10 years. We met through a mutual friend who recommended her to me as a personal trainer. (yeah, I know you're probably wondering why a personal trainer needs a personal trainer. Hey, EVERYONE can use some motivation!) Anyhow, D and I became really good friends. You know, the kind you can tell anything to, the kind you want to share everything with, the kind you do everything with. The kind of friend you can call at 3 am just because you want to. We spent many nights, all night long, on the phone. (Probably another reason my sleep habits are all screwed up) We were both very involved in bodybuilding--she as a very successful bodybuilder, I as the trainer of very successful bodybuilders. My own competitive years were already long gone when we met. We traveled all over the state for her competitions. We always managed to turn those trips into vacations--a week here, a week in LA, a couple days in S.F., a few more in Sacramento or Orange County. It would be work hard, train hard for months, then the contest, THEN the vacation. Did I mention that my husband and I paid for all of it? The travel expenses, the hotels, the posing suits (bikinis) and Pro-Tan for her contests. All of it. Everything. Because I know how hard it is to compete without the money to do it right. So, I'm a little off track here. Turns out my best friend, the winner of EVERY major contest on the west coast, is an alcoholic. Oh, I knew she drank. I just never realized how much until my DH and I separated for 18 months and D and I shared an apartment. Bad idea. And the beginning of the end of our friendship. To make this very long story a little shorter, suffice it to say that her drinking got worse and worse, she lost like 12 jobs in 9 years due to her drinking, she got evicted from I don't know how many places and was hospitalized once after vomiting blood due to lack of stomach lining from drinking. After her last eviction, when I refused to help her financially (but DID offer her a tent and tarp. LOL) our friendship went down the tubes. But I had paid her deposits on her last 2 apts., as well as her utility deposits and there was no way I could do it again. (Now, I know some of you are gonna say she used me for the money. Perhaps, a little. But it never felt that way while we were friends. She also did a lot for me--housework, housesitting, petsitting, yardwork, etc.) On the day she had to be out of her apt. someone finally rented her a room in his house. A month later someone else moved in, she and D became buddies and I became non-existent. Sure, D called occasionally, when she had no one else to talk to. Until her new friend--a newly straight and sober person---decided I was probably part of D's drinking problem. (did I mention I'm not really a drinker, myself?) Anyhow, I have not heard from Dianna since August when she got fired and arrested all in one day. She called me --drunk-- 9 times that day. From work. I have not heard from her since. You're probably thinking, right about now, something like "why would you even WANT a friend like that?" Answer: I don't. But I truly and terribly miss the Dianna I first met 10 years ago. Before her drinking became a serious problem. I miss the person with the kind generous spirit who was really great to be around. Dianna was the person who built my confidence and self-esteem. The person who always picked me up when I fell, as I did for her. The one person who could push me past my own perception of what my physical limits were. I'd never bench pressed my own body weight before I met D and I never would have tried if she hadn't yelled at me, spit flying, and told me I could. I never would have done a 505 lb. leg press without her telling me I could. I NEVER would have gone catfishing at midnight, or gone crabbing at the end of a jetty sticking out into the Pacific. I never would have tubed down the Russian River and I never EVER would have skinny-dipped at a gay resort, for sure! So what is this leading to? Just that I miss her. And I don't understand why she decided to shut me out of her life. Or why she moved to a different town without giving me her address. Or why she would call me, but wouldn't let me have her new phone number. I think I could be okay with not having her in my life if I just knew where she was and that she was okay.