Dare to Bare.

I recently read in a national womens' publication that 67% of American women have gone Brazilian. Pubicly, anyhow. Certainly not publicly. 14% own just a landing strip, 11% prefer a neat triangle and a measly 8% would just rather be au naturelle. So I started wondering----who are these women in the 67%? The young newlywed 2 doors down? The middle-aged divorcee down the street trying to make a sexual comeback? 85 year old Mrs. McGillicuddy around the corner? My mother???? Now there's a visual I just don't need.
And just who decided eons ago that the female body needed any kind of hair removal? I mean, you know it had to have been a guy. Why DO we shave our legs and underarms? And why DON'T men have to do it. I have shaved, I have waxed, I have depiloritorized. I have Epi-Lady-ed til I just couldn't take it anymore and I have recently "Veet"ed. Meanwhile, my husband still has a back that looks like Sasquatch. I can't even begin to say how much satisfaction I would get out of waxing his back. The screams, the yelps, the ouches. YES!!! Payback for all those hairy bars of soap he leaves in the shower.
Sounds fair to me.

I'm so happy I could just shit.

This week has been great. Really great. Savannah has perked up a little after her 6 day hospital experience. Unfortunately, she is no longer in remission from her ITP, but she is doing well, never the less. Today she almost seemed like her old self. Happy, playful, no vomiting. Now if we could take care of the diarrhea, we'd all be a little happier, but at least she seems more "with it". The first few days she was home, I really had my doubts that she'd ever feel good again. ITP is a horrible auto-immune disease. During her first bout with it, her platelets were attacked. This time it's her stomach and intestines. Hopefully she'll recover and go back into remission. Meanwhile she's on a bland, soft diet of EN canned food that I puree and feed to her 6 times a day. She takes Carafate twice a day to protect her stomach, Flagyl twice a day to kill off any bad bacteria, Prilosec to prevent heartburn, Reglan to help with nausea and Mylanta as needed. If she doesn't stop vomiting completely, we'll put her on a special type of Prednisone that is made to dissolve at the trouble sites. She's a regular science project complete with charts and graphs!
Kelly is also home from the hospital and doing well. Apparently she has viral meningitis and it will take a couple of weeks to run it's course. But a much better diagnosis than the stroke or Lupus they thought it was. Scary, scary scary. She is still exhausted and still has moments of confusion and incoherency, but her boyfriend Tony is keeping a good eye on her.
And I am happy and relieved and grateful and a lot less stressed than I was for the past couple of weeks. I'm still housebound with the dog, but I see light at the end of the tunnel. Tomorrow will be my first day back in the gym in forever----I wanted to go Friday, but I haven't been sleeping well at night, so I slept in instead. Hopefully, I'll get a good night's rest tonight and I'll be on my way to a kick-ass body once again.

Priscilla

Tomorrow would have been, should have been my friend Priscilla's 57th birthday. She died in 1992 at the age of 43. We lost Priscilla to a cancer that never should have killed her. She was too embarrassed to go in for regular pap smears. Sometimes I'm still angry with her. But the days and weeks right before her death are the ones that supply me with the best memories. My favorite is of when we were all seated around her hospital bed---her mother, husband and I---waiting, just waiting for whatever would come next. She's was comatose---had been for a few days---and we were doing our best to keep her comfortable and ourselves occupied with the business of keeping her comfortable. She was sleeping on a pad filled with gel, to reduce the possibility of bedsores, though why, I do not know. What is a bedsore when you are dying of cancer? The head of the bed was elevated and Priscilla kept sliding down into the flat portion of the bed. Her husband and mother, or husband and me or mother and me or any combination thereof, kept lifting her under the arms and pulling her up to the top of the bed. After doing this a dozen or so times over the course of a couple of days, Priscilla shot up into a seated position and yelled, "God-fucking-damnit! Everytime I start to get comfortable, you fucking assholes pick me up and move me." She then quietly laid back down and went to sleep for another day before she died. Those were her last words. And I smile, then chuckle, then laugh out loud when I remember them. Priscilla was always such a lady, she was delicate and feminine, well-mannered and considerate. She didn't smoke, drink or swear in all the years I knew her. I used to tease her and call her Prissy. But with those words, she taught me about dignity and courage. Apparently she was a lot tougher than I thought.
The following summer I was diagnosed with the same type of cancer that killed Priscilla. I would probably not have gone in for an exam if it weren't for her.
In a way, she saved my life by losing hers.
I promised Priscilla's mother that I would share her story with people every year to commemorate her life and to possibly save someone else's.
PLEASE see your doctor for an annual Pap Smear and HPV test.

good news, bad news, no news.

So the good news is, Savannah came home from the hospital today. We still don't have the results from the endoscopy, but at least she ate a little food today and it stayed down. She seems to be in a considerable amount of pain, but is still her sweet, good-natured self. If you touch her tummy she starts shaking and whimpering and it's so hard to see her in pain. She's definitely stressed and anxious. I cannot leave her sight or she starts crying. But tonight she seems a lot less anxious than she was earlier, so I'm hoping a less stressful environment than the hospital will help.
And the bad news. My stepdaughter Kelly was admitted to UCSF Medical Center today. She apparently was having flu-like symptoms yesterday and the day before. When her mom called her today to see how she was doing, Kelly couldn't put together her thoughts and words to form a sentence. She was taken to the emergency room and later admitted. She had a CAT scan tonight that came back clear, as well as a spinal tap to check for meningitis. That came back clear as well. They wanted to do an MRI, but she became too agitated and got up out of the MRI machine and walked out of the room. They gave her some Ativan to settle her down and they will try to do an MRI again tomorrow. Right now it doesn't look like she had a stroke, but it's still a possibility. She still can not speak much---she just occasionally says a word that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what she was asked. I am so heartsick tonight. And my husband is devastated.
The no news: no results from Savannah's endoscopy. No definitive test results for Kelly.

Savannah

A pillow and a down comforter----what more does a girl need? My best four-legged friend is sick. Really sick. And I am having such a hard time with it. Savannah has been my "rock" during so many hard times in my life. She arrived in my life shortly after my last boxer, Dusty, drowned in my swimming pool late one night. When Dusty died, I swore I wouldn't get another dog for a long time. I just didn't think I could love another as much as I had loved her. And then Savannah showed up in my life and everything changed. When she was about a year old, Roger and I separated. Savannah was there for me. When my brother died a few years later, Savannah was there for me. When a close friend dumped me, Savannah took care of me. And when Savannah contracted a near-fatal immune deficiency disease, I was there for her and I took care of her. I gave her 8 different meds, 8 times a day for 8 months. Easy to remember. I quit my job to stay home with her. We became inseparable during that time. She took care of me, and I took care of her. Savannah has been in the hospital now for 5 days. She has had a few bouts with pancreatitis before, but last week she vomited blood two different times, 5 days apart. The cause is obviously something besides pancreatitis,although she has that, too. Today she had an endoscopy to try to find the reason. In an endoscopy, a tiny camera is sent down the throat and esophagus into the stomach to film the interior of the stomach. The doctor found a lot "angry" red spots and took numerous samples of tissue to send to the pathology lab. He also found food that had not been digested although Savannah had not eaten for about 12 hours. The food should already have passed out of her stomach. So things aren't looking too great. And I'm pissed because the entire time she has been in the hospital, I have been asking the vet about what could be causing the bleeding. And I kept hearing "pancreatitis". Now I'm not a vet, but I have studied human physiology and I know that frank blood in vomit is not coming from anywhere past the stomach. If the bleeding is anywhere in the digestive system beyond the stomach, blood would be found in the stool, not in vomit. So when they told me last night that they thought she could come home today, I asked AGAIN if they had figured out where the bleeding was coming from. The answer was no, so after much discussion and a consultation with 2 other vets, it was decided that they would do the endoscopy. So things aren't looking good and I am wondering if she would have gotten this sick if they had done the endoscopy sooner. Who knows? We won't get the results back from the lab for a few days. It could be something as simple as ulcers. It could be something as serious as cancer. But my dog is coming home tomorrow. And we will be there for each other and I will take care of her no matter what. I couldn't do anything less for my best friend.

War is not healthy for children and other living things. Protest slogan from the Vietnam era.

After reading a reply to this entry, I decided to edit this somewhat. The body of this entry remains the same. I am merely adding a preface.First off, let me say, that I don't expect everyone to agree with me. This is strictly MY opinion---and I'm entitled to it, just as you are to yours. My political leaning is to the left---you are forewarned. LOL. My family has personally and greatly been affected by war. Starting with my mother who grew up in an Nazi-occupied town during World War 2.  I hate war, I will always hate war. I especially hate wars that are designed to feed the American political machine. That being said, I also would like to state, that I have the utmost amount of respect for our soldiers who fight every day for what they believe is right. I may not agree with them, but I respect their choice to join the military and to fight for their beliefs. My son-in-law is career military and my 2 step-grandchildren have also chosen to be career military. I respect that. Completely. But I still want them to be as safe as possible. Here is the rest of my entry in it's entirety:
I'm fed up with the business of dirty politics. I'm fed up with a leader who is beginning to sound more and more like a dictator every day. I am fed up with seeing our children go off to fight a war that is putting money into politicians' pockets. And right now I'm am fed up with the latest word from the Pentagon. Most of us have already heard that there is not enough protective gear to go around for all of our soldiers. Parents of many soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan have had to purchase protective vests and send them to their children overseas. That in itself pisses me off. Uhmm--if you're gonna send a bunch of people over to fight a war, why aren't they ALL provided with protective gear? What if the family cannot afford to purchase protective gear?
The government issued vests are a brand called "Interceptor". The manufacturer of Interceptor vests has a long-standing contract with the U.S. government. Unfortunately, they are unable to keep up with the demand for them, and civilians cannot purchase them. There is a company in Fresno, California, that manufactures another brand of protective vest called "Dragonskin". They do NOT have a contract with the US military and therefore can not sell or even GIVE the equipment to our soldiers through the military. These ARE available for purchase to civilians and this is the brand that families of soldiers are buying to protect their loved ones. The Pentagon has just issued a statement proclaiming that if a soldier is killed wearing a Dragonskin vest, his or her family will NOT receive death benefits. If a soldier is injured while wearing the Dragonskin vest, he or she may NOT receive full medical benefits.
Now, I could understand (sort of) the government issuing this edict, IF the Dragonskin vest was an inferior product and did not deflect ammunition as well as the Interceptor vest. But here's the deal---even the manufacturer and distributer of the Interceptor vest is saying that the Dragonskin vest is a BETTER piece of protective gear! Testing by an independent company has proven that it deflects MORE types of ammo than the Interceptor vest. Now, I'm sure some of you are thinking, "If the Dragonskin vest is so good, the soldiers shouldn't be killed while wearing them." This seems to be part of the government's argument, as well. But consider this--- it is a VEST. It only covers the upper torso. People are still dying from head injuries and bleeding to death after having extremities blown off. This happens with either brand of vest. But if they are wearing an Interceptor vest or NO VEST AT ALL, their families still receive death benefits. If they are wearing a Dragonskin vest, they will get NO BENEFITS whatsoever! Even if their death was cause by a head injury, not a torso hit. Even if their legs were blown off and they bled to death.
If our government can not make sure that our children fighting overseas are protected as much as possible, and we have to purchase their protective gear for them, how the hell can they dare deny death and medical benefits?
If this pisses you off, as much as it does me, please, please write to your congressman or senators or state representitives. Not one of our soldiers overseas should die a senseless death that could have been prevented with a protective vest. And not one family of a soldier killed in war should be denied compensation for their loss. Not one maimed man or women should be denied full medical benefits.

Ugh. There's no progress being made here!

This is what my new home looks like 2 weeks after moving in. Remarkably, it looks exactly the same as it did 2 weeks ago.

Home Sweet Home. Yeah, right.

We are finally in our new condo. It's so weird not to be living in a house with a backyard! And it's so weird to go from 3700 sq. ft. to 2000 sq. ft.! I really thought we had purged enough stuff before moving, but I guess not. Geez, we filled a 20 yd. dumpster and made about 50 (no exaggeration!) trips to Goodwill, but we still have way too much stuff!
Ryan is still in shock over how small his room is! He went from a 14x16 ft. room, (not including the big bay window where his built-in desk was) with a huge walk-in closet, to a very small 10x12 room with a very small closet. I keep reminding him that in a few months he'll be living away at college, but it's still an ajustment.
I'm just having problems trying to figure out where to store my pots and pans! I don't have a problem with the smaller space---it's just finding places to put stuff.
I haven't met all of my neighbors yet, but it's very quiet around here. I did meet the guy who's opening the Far West Trading Co and Tea Bar down below one of my neighbors condos. He's very cool and I'm sure I'll spend lots of time in his shop.
For any of you who are unfamiliar with the type of community this is, it's a mixed use community. It's called the Town Green Village and it's groups of condos surrounding the town green park. The condos are all above businesses--mostly fancy little shops that sell fancy little things and clothing that no one can afford, except maybe tourists. The community was designed to resemble the original downtown area which has been gone for many years. To me, it kinda looks like Main St. in Disneyland! LOL Each condo has a different facade. It's been written up in all kinds of publications and the Sierra Club lists it as one of the top 10 communities in the nation, because of it's mixed usage buildings and the fact that you can walk to all the stores and restaurants. It's very charming. There are restaurants and cafes with sidewalk seating like in Europe and an Irish Pub on the corner.
Now about the inside of my condo---you can't walk from one room to the other! I have so many boxes stacked in every room, I can't stand it! I was sick in bed the first 2 1/2 days we were here, so I'm running behind on my unpacking. This place is a mess, but until I figure out what to do with everything, I guess I'll just have a mess.

Genius??

Captain Beefheart... you are one of the first

modern fucked-up geniuses. When it comes to

creating, you rank right up there with the

likes of James Mangan, John Wilmot and Edvard

Munch.


Which fucked-up genius composer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shut up, already!!

I don't know what's going on over on the NS bulletin board. There is so much misinformation! Newbies helping newbies----it's like the blind leading the blind! And it's not their fault. Most oldies are over at Jazzman's BB, so there are not all the people to answer questions like there were a year ago. I cringe when I read some of the replies to posts. Like when somebody asked if they could have asparagus and someone else replied yes---just watch the amount. Whaaaa? Watch the amount??? WHY?? Have as many fucking asparagus as you like, folks! It's not gonna make you fat! Neither is broccoli, spinach, brussel sprouts, green beans OR EVEN peas and corn. Yes, I know they're carbs, but who the hell ever got fat eating peas and corn, honestly? I mean, come on have you ever heard anyone say, "I never should have had that last 1/2 cup of peas cause now I can't fit into my jeans"? It's the Big Macs and fries that make you fat. It the senseless stuffing of your body with chocolate donuts and Kit-Kat bars. It's the BAGS of Doritos and potato chips. I swear, people, it is NOT asparagus!
And medical advice!! OMG! Why would you ask a bunch of strangers for medical advice? Generalizations, maybe, but asking for specific medical advice or GIVING specific medical advice is nuts. I don't care if you ARE a professional--if you don't have access to someone's medical history, why would you give them specific advice?
I don't even give SPECIFIC exercise advice unless I know someone's medical history. Here's a personal example: If I were to ask medical advice or even exercise advice and didn't let anyone know that I have a history of 4 strokes, I would probably receive a lot of advice that would be detrimental to my health. If I were to follow some of that inappropriate advice, I could DIE. I don't know if that's a good example or not. But it's true. So here's my best medical advice---ASK YOUR DOCTOR.
I guess what I'm trying to say here, is take it all with a grain of salt. If you really need an answer to something and what you're reading on the board is confusing or you get 5 different answers to the same question, do a search on Yahoo or Google it or Ask Jeeves for God's sake. Then choose a website that you know is reliable. www.discoveryhealth.com is a really good one-
Or here's a thought....CALL YOUR DOCTOR!!

Stolen from Scarlett's blog.

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

MMMmmm!!

OMG--I am eating  cookies and cream cheesecake. I have died and gone to heaven!
Savannah is feeling much better after 2 trips to the vet in 2 days. She has severe allergies and was sneezing and coughing so much on Tuesday that we thought she might have inhaled something. They knocked her out so they could look up her nose and down her throat and there was nothing to be found. The vet said her nose was completely raw inside---probably just from pollen. The tree in the picture is in full bloom in February and is probably one of the culprits. It seems like everything has started to bloom around here lately. Then Wednesday, we noticed a raw oozing "hot spot" at the base of Savannah's stub tail and on the underside of it. Her tail has always been a problem. It was docked before we got her and whoever did it docked it too much and pulled the skin too tight. We've actually had exposed bone problems in the past. So it was back to the vet on Wednesday to make sure it wasn't infected. Now we have to spray her 3x a day with her "butt spray". There's apparently nothing a lot of money can't fix! Since Thanksgiving our vet bills have exceeded the $5000 mark! Which is better than 2 years ago when we hit the $10,000 mark! But our 2 dogs are our babies and there's nothing I wouldn't do for either of them. If you go back into my blog archives to the month of November, you can see pics of our first big vet bill of the season!

Howdy Doody!!

Wow, I'm so excited. We finally got our new car yesterday. It's an Audi Quattro TT and it's so pretty. I had an Audi years ago and I wanted personalized license plates that said "Audi DO D" and I never got around to getting it. Now I want one that says "Howdy2T". Or something to that effect. Yeah, I know it's really cheesy, but "cheesy" describes my sense of humor pretty well.
I'm getting pretty excited about the new condo, too. I can't believe it's been 4 months since we sold our house and moved into a temporary rental til our condo is finished. I am SOOoooo ready to get into our new place. I just hope it's completed by March 2nd. We're closing on the 1st, but technically the condo doesn't have to be completed til the second. I just hope this all works out, cause the movers are delivering all my furniture that's been in storage. We've had a few construction set-backs, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I already ordered the plantation shutters for the 8 windows on the front of the condo and one window in the family room, but I still need to find something for the sliding door and the office and Ryan's room. I was hoping plantation shutters would work on the sliding door, but after having them here in the rental, I don't find them very practical.

If you don't like my cussing, go away.

The whole censorship thing on the Nutrisystem bulletin board is just too darned funny. Apparently they're using some sort of filter to eliminate swear words from the posts. But it's backfiring! You can't write "finish it" because the "sh" at end of finish and "it" form the word shit. You can't combine weight loss and exercise because of the "s" at the end of loss and the "ex" at the beginning of exercise. You CAN write ASS, BITCH and SCREW. But you CAN'T say cocktail.
I'm guessing their filter works kinda like spellcheck. It just can't differentiate so it says everything is wrong.
But what the fuck is wrong with these damned assholes over at Nutrisystem?? (sorry, I just had to write that). Give them a position of power and they become Hitler or Dubya---depending on your politics. I hate people who think that because they have a title, they have control over all things. But like the wizard of Oz, they eventually are found out. So, Stacy Jimenez, NS board moderator---come out from behind the curtain at NS. Click your heels together 3 times and go home.

No Butts about it.

I scored the following in the Butt Quiz 12 out of 15 Can you spot the difference between a male and female butt? Take the Butt Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com

RY-ANNNNNNN!!!!!!

Okay, so we all want to raise our kids to become loving, compassionate, generous of spirit, kind, caring self-sufficient people, right? At least that's the kind of adults I want my children to be. Well, I guess I forgot to put self-sufficent on the list when I got to my youngest child! Yikes!! My nineteen old "baby" seems to be just that sometimes---a baby! In the course of 24 hours he has let out a scream because there was a moth in his room--a moth!!!! ( From the decibel level of that scream,I swear, I thought he'd cut off a finger),he has come to me because the cat puked in his room and apparently he didn't know how to clean it up---hunh!!---and he came in complaining that he had muddy shoes. What the F@$%&??? Now in all fairness, Ryan IS everything else on that list. I have tried to raise him in a way that he would be an ideal husband/partner one day. And I set the bar pretty damned high. He is a wonderful boyfriend to his girlfriend of 3 years, Shannon. He is loving and generous and extremely romantic. He even took culinary classes so he can cook for her every weekend when he visits her at UCBerkeley. He wants her to have home-cooked meals instead of all that cafeteria junk. He buys her flowers on a regular basis. He puts a lot of thought into the gifts he gives her. He even eats fruit and vegetables when he's with her---no small feat for a guy who had never tasted broccoli or eaten a banana in his entire life!
On top of all that, he's worked extremely hard at the junior college for the last 2 years to stay on the deans' honors list so he could be accepted at San Francisco State University this coming fall. (yeeha!!--he just got his acceptance letter).
But he's afraid of moths, and cat puke grosses him out and he stills steps in mud.
One the one hand, it all strikes me as totally silly. On the other, it's just part of what makes him so endearingly charming. And maybe the whole school experience will help with the self-sufficiency.
Hmmmmmm. Maybe he IS all those things on the list. Whaddya know?!
And did I mention cute?

What decade do you identify with? (Stolen from Jan's blog)

what decade does your personality live in?


quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

Tree's up. Whoop.

It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. Maybe it's because we're not in our new home yet. Maybe it's because this is a sad time of year for so many. Don't know. But look out NEXT year. Cause I'm gonna make it the Christmas to beat all Christmases! I am not going to let my own losses spoil the holidays for the rest of the family--especially my little step-grandbabies. I REFUSE to allow my depression around the holidays to spoil it for everyone else. And with that said, the pics above are what Christmas is all about.... My 4 year old grandson's preschool Christmas show and my 21 month old granddaughter's red sweater. She loves that sweater and wants to wear it every day. Happy Holidays, ALL!!!

What the....?

We're finally reaching some decisions as far as upgrades for the condo goes. Unfortunately, the vanity we ordered for the guest bathroom had a big chunk missing from one side. So now we have to return it and we're kinda back to square one on that. We might just get the standard vanity and have it topped with slate and put in a brushed stainless vessel sink. There's really not enough time to order anything else. Oh well. Roger would like one of those really cool glass vanities with the sink molded in, but with the hard water we have here, I'm afraid we'll have water spots we'll never be able to get rid of with it.
Tonight I'm hoping to get some sleep. I have to do marathon Christmas shopping tomorrow. Yikes--I hate going to the mall. Hate any kind of shopping, period. Last night I didn't get to sleep til about 4-4:30 and I woke up about 5:30 after a disturbing dream. I dreamed that Dianna was beating the crap out of me. I don't know what provoked the beating. I just remember feeling the punches and the kicks. I woke after she clipped me on the jaw! I'd love to have that dream analyzed! I imagine it has something to do with the emotional beating she's given me over the last year. Who knows?

Chrome Plated Heart

Allrighty. It's 1 am and I can tell sleep is not gonna happen for quite a while. I have a zillion things running through my head and if I could just reach a conclusion on any of them, I might be able to fall asleep before dawn. I'm thinking of all the stuff I still have to do as far as the new condo goes. I've got lists a mile long in my mind. I had hoped that if I wrote those lists down in a notebook, I'd stop thinking about everything on them for a while. Not. So maybe if I post them here, it will work. Yeah, right. List #1, Things already done: Picked out carpet Picked out slate for entry floor, powder room floor and around fireplace Chose vinyl for laundry room Picked flooring for kitchen Argued with Appliance company and building contractor about kitchen appliances Won argument and got appliances I wanted, including a microwave that has to be shipped from God-only-knows-where. Argued with building contractor and cabinet maker about changing the door style on the cabinets. Won argument and got the style doors I wanted Found the perfect granite for the kitchen counters, only to be told it was not available. Cried over granite 'cause I don't want to pay $7500 for some other granite I don't like as well Talked to the granite guy who located some of the granite 200 miles away and agreed to have it shipped up here for my perusal List #2, Things I haven't done: Haven't found faucets for the 2 upstairs bathrooms Haven't found a faucet for the vessel sink in the downstairs bathroom Haven't found a kitchen faucet Haven't found ANY light fixtures I love Haven't found any glass mosaic tile for the kitchen backsplash Haven't ordered the new entertainment center Haven't ordered the dining room table Haven't bought the 2 extra chairs for the dining room Haven't found new speakers, etc. for the theatre system Haven't found tile, marble, limestone or anything else for the 2 upstairs bathrooms Okay, so those are the condo related things on running around in my head. Then there's the Dianna thing. Which is what the title of this post refers to. But it's not just about her, really. It's the time of year that things start to push me down. I get really, really depressed around the holidays. Nothing special about that. A lot of people do. I'd just like to get through Christmas without all the negative emotions it brings on. I miss my family desperately. Nothing special about that, either. Again, a lot of people do. But would it be too much to ask, to have the people who ARE around me to give me a little support here? I have lost so many people close to me. Thanksgiving was the anniversary of my father's death. So that always gets the holiday season off to a great start. He died on Thanksgiving day on the 24th of November. So this year Thanksgiving fell on the 24th, which made it even more poignant. My very best friend Priscilla died in 1992 at the age of 43. My sister died at the age of 45 in 1993. And my baby brother died 2 years ago at the age of 45. The last time anyone in the family saw him was on Christmas Day, and as far as we can tell, he died on New Year's Day. So now we're up to 3 holidays shot to hell. I'd like to just sleep from about the middle of November til the middle of January. But we all know that ain't gonna happen. I can't even sleep through the friggin night! Hell, I can't even GET to sleep. So I think trying to play the Rip van Winkle thing just isn't gonna work. And then there's Dianna. Again. A recap for those who never read my post about her: Dianna and I were best friends for about 10 years. We met through a mutual friend who recommended her to me as a personal trainer. (yeah, I know you're probably wondering why a personal trainer needs a personal trainer. Hey, EVERYONE can use some motivation!) Anyhow, D and I became really good friends. You know, the kind you can tell anything to, the kind you want to share everything with, the kind you do everything with. The kind of friend you can call at 3 am just because you want to. We spent many nights, all night long, on the phone. (Probably another reason my sleep habits are all screwed up) We were both very involved in bodybuilding--she as a very successful bodybuilder, I as the trainer of very successful bodybuilders. My own competitive years were already long gone when we met. We traveled all over the state for her competitions. We always managed to turn those trips into vacations--a week here, a week in LA, a couple days in S.F., a few more in Sacramento or Orange County. It would be work hard, train hard for months, then the contest, THEN the vacation. Did I mention that my husband and I paid for all of it? The travel expenses, the hotels, the posing suits (bikinis) and Pro-Tan for her contests. All of it. Everything. Because I know how hard it is to compete without the money to do it right. So, I'm a little off track here. Turns out my best friend, the winner of EVERY major contest on the west coast, is an alcoholic. Oh, I knew she drank. I just never realized how much until my DH and I separated for 18 months and D and I shared an apartment. Bad idea. And the beginning of the end of our friendship. To make this very long story a little shorter, suffice it to say that her drinking got worse and worse, she lost like 12 jobs in 9 years due to her drinking, she got evicted from I don't know how many places and was hospitalized once after vomiting blood due to lack of stomach lining from drinking. After her last eviction, when I refused to help her financially (but DID offer her a tent and tarp. LOL) our friendship went down the tubes. But I had paid her deposits on her last 2 apts., as well as her utility deposits and there was no way I could do it again. (Now, I know some of you are gonna say she used me for the money. Perhaps, a little. But it never felt that way while we were friends. She also did a lot for me--housework, housesitting, petsitting, yardwork, etc.) On the day she had to be out of her apt. someone finally rented her a room in his house. A month later someone else moved in, she and D became buddies and I became non-existent. Sure, D called occasionally, when she had no one else to talk to. Until her new friend--a newly straight and sober person---decided I was probably part of D's drinking problem. (did I mention I'm not really a drinker, myself?) Anyhow, I have not heard from Dianna since August when she got fired and arrested all in one day. She called me --drunk-- 9 times that day. From work. I have not heard from her since. You're probably thinking, right about now, something like "why would you even WANT a friend like that?" Answer: I don't. But I truly and terribly miss the Dianna I first met 10 years ago. Before her drinking became a serious problem. I miss the person with the kind generous spirit who was really great to be around. Dianna was the person who built my confidence and self-esteem. The person who always picked me up when I fell, as I did for her. The one person who could push me past my own perception of what my physical limits were. I'd never bench pressed my own body weight before I met D and I never would have tried if she hadn't yelled at me, spit flying, and told me I could. I never would have done a 505 lb. leg press without her telling me I could. I NEVER would have gone catfishing at midnight, or gone crabbing at the end of a jetty sticking out into the Pacific. I never would have tubed down the Russian River and I never EVER would have skinny-dipped at a gay resort, for sure! So what is this leading to? Just that I miss her. And I don't understand why she decided to shut me out of her life. Or why she moved to a different town without giving me her address. Or why she would call me, but wouldn't let me have her new phone number. I think I could be okay with not having her in my life if I just knew where she was and that she was okay.